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University of Washington

STIs: How do I tell my partner?

Submitted by barbmac on Tue, 07/17/2012 - 10:41

2 students talkingSTIs (Sexually Transmitted Infections), also known as STDs, are stigmatized in our society. We associate having an STI with being immoral or promiscuous. This may not be the case, but it still makes telling your current, former, or new partner about an STI difficult.

Why should I tell my partner?

If you think you may have exposed a partner to your STI or gotten an STI from your partner you should tell them.

  • They may already be or become infected and not develop symptoms
  • They may pass the infection on to others without knowing
  • They will know to get tested and seek treatment
  • They will not re-infect you after you are treated
  • If you have a chronic STI, which cannot be cured, you and your partner can get help to prevent infection and control the symptoms.

Most importantly your partner has a right to know the risks involved. Would you want your partner to tell you if you might be sick?

How to talk to your partner about STIs

You should not wait too long to tell your partner, but you should be prepared to make it easier on you and your partner. Below is a list of tips to make the conversation go more smoothly:

  • Reflect on how it made you feel to find out about your STI.
  • Practice how you are going to tell your partner.
  • Think about how your partner may react.
  • Learn about your STI, this way you can help your partner feel informed and more in control.
  • Find a private place to talk without distractions.
  • Warn your partner, make sure your partner knows you are about to deliver some serious new so they can brace themselves.
  • Give your partner time to react; you cannot expect them to be ok with it right away.
  • Remember your partner is not required to keep this a secret. They may need support from friends and family.
  • Apologize let your partner know how you feel. Ensure them that you take it seriously and you will seek treatment.
  • Be honest if your partner has questions.
  • Refer your partner to get tested. You should both know your status to prevent re-infection.

Discovering an STI in a monogamous relationship

Finding out you have an STI when you're in a faithful relationship can be unsettling and confusing. Do not let this turn into anger.

  • Do not blame your partner before you hear what they have to say.
  • Some STIs lack symptoms, this STI could be from before your relationship began.
  • Tell your partner that you discovered you have an STI.
  • Ask your partner to be tested for their own health.
  • Avoid becoming defensive.
  • Listen to what your partner.

By talking to your partner honestly, you may be able to overcome this, and avoid a difficult situation.

How do I tell a former partner about an STI?

Talk to your health care provider. They should be able to confidentially contact former partners on your behalf.

There are also notification options using eCards. You will be asked to provide what STI they may have been exposed to. The card will inform your partner of the situation and provided information about the condition and local testing and treatment options.

Self-care and prevention

When entering a new relationship get tested before having sex. This will help prevent infecting one another and having to have this conversation when it is already too late. You or your partner could have an STI even if there are no symptoms.  

University of Washington Resources

Counseling Center (206) 543-1240

Hall Health Center (206) 685-1011
Students may schedule an appointment with Kathy Slettebak, the Family Planning Counselor in Women's Clinic regarding how to talk with a partner.  UW students are not charged for visits with either the counselor or the triage nurses. 

Additional Information

CDC National STD & AIDS Hotlines:  1-800-342-2437

Let's Talk about Sex (UW, The Daily)

TIPS for telling your partners (inSpot.org)

Resources

Talking with your partners (LA County Public Health)

SexInfoOnline (Site is maintained by university students from the University of California, Santa Barbara who have studied advanced topics in human sexuality.)

How to Talk to Your Partner if You Have an STD (Rutgers University)

STD Partner Notification: What If I've Been Exposed to an STD? (Texas Department of Health brochure)

inSPOT: The First Online STD Partner Notification System Using Electronic Postcards. (PloS Medicine. October 21, 2008)

Authored by: Nikole H. Allen