Painful Processing

I’m not an individual who is terribly connected to my own spirituality and self-awareness. So when we started the contemplative practice portion of this class I was hopeful that this would be an enlightening and profound spiritual experience. Rather than achieving such metaphysical enlightenment, I have discovered more about my own physical limitations.

In most of my classes I am typically so engaged in taking notes or moving between classrooms that I rarely find the time to sit and reflect on how I am feeling in the moment. So when I began the contemplative practices I became more aware of a lower back pain that I typically ignored over the course of the day. During our first contemplation session I didn’t make anything of it but as our classes have progressed I made the connection that this might be indicative of a larger bodily problem. It was because of this that I went to the doctor and discovered the greater problem at hand. As it turns out I have severe scoliosis that has been progressively getting worse over the last 10 years.

10 years. How is it that I managed to ignore such a personal affliction for nearly half of my life? Thinking back over the last 10 years I can think of so many warning signs that should have clued me in to the stress that my body was under but I was so engrossed with my plan for the future and what I wanted that I refused to listen. This led me to the realization that if I am so readily able to ignore a problem of such immediate personal relevance, imagine the breadth of issues that I unconsciously or consciously ignore when I don’t perceive them to be of personal relevance. That is a terrifying concept for me.