So I’m pretty new to the queer community and I’m still adjusting that I could be gay or bisexual. (Still figuring that out!) I go to this coffee shop all the time and there’s a barista that works there and I have the BIGGEST crush on her. I really want to get to know her and maybe even ask her out. I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve romanticized her so much, that I’m almost too shy to talk to her. And I’m not a shy person! I’m so scared because what if she’s taken or absolutely not interested in me? I really want to do something with this relationship but I have NO idea where to start. Suggestions?
Man, queer people and coffee shop crushes. There is absolutely no way for me to avoid thinking about Mary Lambert’s video for She Keeps Me Warm.
Cute. Cute cute cute. Anyway, what I think you need to do before anything else is take a step back and turn down the tint on those rose colored glasses. I have no doubt that this barista is cute as all get out, and I think that once you get out of your own head you guys could hit it off! But. Even you recognize that you’ve romanticized them too much, and I think that’s a dangerous place to be! I once dated someone who had a similar pedestal-y crush on me (and had for like… a year) and it didn’t go well. Their constructed idea of me was way better than the reality, and it lead to disappointment on their part, discomfort on my part, and just not a really fun relationship. It fizzled out within like, a month. I don’t want you to experience that! While I (and really, most people) totally understand having a sticky-sweet, anxiety-inducing, world-encompassing crush, building someone up to such a high place just makes it easier for them to fall. So! Toning that down a little bit will, I think, really help you come back to a place where you can be comfortable and confident around her. You said you’re not shy, yeah? How do you talk to other new people in your life? This is about to sound so new-agey but like… send out vibes. Smile and make eye contact (but don’t like, gawk) and laugh and play with your hair a little bit. Read how she responds to you!
She might not be receptive, she might not be queer! It’s not the end of the world! (This is where de-romanticizing her will be very helpful to your emotional health) But just give her some attention and see how she responds. Nothing major, I’m 100% positive you can do it. I know, at least from my own experience, that it’s really easy to turn into this awkward person with nothing to say when you’re interacting with someone especially cute. So. Just take a deep breath and, as long as she isn’t swamped with work, maybe ask her how she’s doing, or compliment her the way you’d want to be complimented. The first hurdle is, without a doubt, the highest.