Peter
Altenberg
RESERVED TABLE
A
reserved table is a table at which in the evening the rudeness, impudence, and
egoism of your fellow men reach immeasurable proportions! A slop-spout for everything that burdens
the busy machine of life during the day and irritates it!
I
have, therefore, adopted, for the sake of some eventual relief, a small tanif for my favors.
Anecdotes
from the nursery and wonderful experiences with one's children: 70 hellers!
Attempts
by a man to make a fool out of' mock, or present his spouse or sweetheart as a
"dumbbell": 1 crown 20! Revenge by both sexes for something that
upset them during the day: 80 hellers! The ostentatious
attempt on the part of a gentleman to justity all the stupidities a lady
might say: 1 crown 40! Conversations concerning hygiene that do not comply with
my Prodomos: 90 hellers!'
Attempts
at conquering a soul which, like all souls, belongs to me, 3 crowns 80! For
sitting next to a woman who appeals to me: 5 crowns! On the first evening my
tariff was introduced,
Herr
T. paid:
70
hellers
1
crown, 20 hellers
80
hellers
1
crown, 40 hellers
90
hellers
3
crowns, 80 hellers
5
crowns - hellers
13
crowns, 80 hellers
"Stammtisch,"
1913. Original text in Fechsung, 3d
and 4th ed. (Berlin: S. Fischer Verlag, 1915), 60
1.
AItenberg's idiosyncratic book about hygiene and diet, published in 1906.
RESERVED TABLE
All
his friends want to make Peter jealous.
Friends? Ha ha. Something special should
happen, therefore, not the insipid commonplace.
Is
anybody to blame, after all?
You
sit united, hence really disunited, at the table from 9 at night
until 12.
Art,
politics, literature are quickly disposed of.
What
then? People try to lure Peter's lady friend, of the moment, away from him!
Also
a kind of diverting game of (lice, or lotto, or dominoes.
Only
one wasn't playing along.
He
paid too close heed to the feelings
of Peter and of her who was the
object of this psychic trade.
Then
Peter said: "You, my dear
friend, are much more dangerous than
all the idiots we see engrossed in their cards. See to it that you make a
timely disappearance from my table! The others can play at the dreary insipid game of favor!"
"Stammtisch,"
1918. Original text in Vita Ipsa, 8th-lOth
ed. (Berlin: S. Fischer Verlag, 1919), 97-98.
THE RESERVED TABLE
Herr
Peter left his third mug of “Löwenbrau" standing, quit his table earlier
than usual. To her, to her, to her!
"Oh
Peter, what do you get out of it? She has a natty young husband and maybe
somebody else as well. What do you get out of it?"
What
I get out of it is the driving force 'within myself to be able to leave
something I enjoy, my reserved table and beer!,,
To
make a church out of a woman! What good did it do me to reduce the stone ~c of the cathedral, the candles
tall as lampposts, the scent of consecration fumes to her essence?!? There is only one true impotence, and that is to be able no longer to endow things 'with
the richness of one's own soul!
"Der
Stammtisch," 1918. Original text in Mein
Lebensabend, 1stt-8th ed. (Berlin: S. Fischer Verlag, 1919),
186-87.
RULES FOR MY RESERVED TABLE
Cutting
fingernails at the table is forbidden, even 'with a proper set of scissors of
the old type carried on one's person. But especially no cutting of fingernails
with the modern clipper, since the sharply clipped nails can then easily fly
into the beer glasses, and fishing them out is fraught with difficulty!
The
word "butt" or the like should be avoided if possible. But if that
proves to be impossible, then it should be brought forth more or less in a
whisper!
Conversations
of an entirely private nature, concerning personal ambition, vanity, delusions
of grandeur, and "putting on airs," should not run more than three
hours. Otherwise the perpetrator 'will have to stand a French champagne! Each
glass extends the time limit of the conversation until the glass is empty!
Reports
of personal indigestion together with detailed descriptions lacking any
universal point of' view must he transmitted to those seated nearby in short,
terse phrases. Moreover, the sympathy of the listener must be discreetly
conveyed in such a way as to repress his natural happiness over a friend's
misfortune!
Political
conversations must not go beyond the phrase: "I think things are stirring
in America!"
Conversations
about Goethe must not degenerate into a horrible baiting of Hugo von
Hofmannsthal!
Ladies
at our table who have to go "somewhere" from time to time must demand
20 hellers from their husbands or lovers loudly and clearly, since this transaction at least pleasantly
reminds us of the "girls for sale!"
It
is improper to test match heads for any length of time on a porcelain rubbing
surface, since it is irrelevant to the question of the "development of
mankind," to which everything at this table, after all, is subservient!
Young
waiters must be defended against all their impudent remarks only by the person
who can prove that he really is "homosexual!"
Conversations
of a general nature must possess a perfidious hidden point against somebody at
our table. It's like condiments in food; they help you digest it better!
Romantic
couples must come to our table, for that is an infallible indication that they
do not 'wish to spend at least the~e hours
'with each other alone. A defeat, thus, coram
publico [in the eyes of the public]. Besides, perhaps the lady can be
enticed away!
"Regeln
fur meinen Stammtisch," 1919. Original text in Mein Lebensabend, 1st-8th ed. (Berlin: S. Fischer Verlag, 1919), 44-45.