D Center

April 2, 2021

Grace’s Experience with Self-Harm & Recovery

Trigger Warning: Self-Harming and Recovery

I was thirteen when I hurt myself for the first time. I had heard of people hurting themselves and at the time everyone automatically assumed it was for attention, which I probably believed that narrative to some extent. I was scared at the thought of cutting myself which is the most common way people hurt themselves and what is immediately thought when the topic is brought up. I resorted to scratching myself until I bled as my method of self-harming, but it wasn’t for a couple years that I realized THAT was also self-harming. I wasn’t proud, but I was also honest with my closest friends that that was something I was doing. Scratching even if it meant leaving a scar looked like any other scratch caused from falling or running into something so I found it easier to lie about to the general public. Almost no one was suspicious of what had been happening so no one really asked me about it, but as I said if someone did and I wasn’t close to them, I would tell them I had ran into something. My dad knew this was something I struggled with, but contrary to common belief I didn’t hurt myself frequently per say. I think a myth I quickly learned to debunk is even with cutting we associate it with repetitive behavior in one incident, but that isn’t always the case. I hurt myself about two times a year, that was never planned as my own personal reason for resorting to such a bad coping mechanism was because I had too much straw on the camel’s back as my therapist would say and any event that caused an overwhelming amount of emotions within that led me to needing some type of release. When I was a senior in high school, I started to feel even more shame for this behavior because as I wrote about at that time; I didn’t want to go into college and seemed like I couldn’t handle myself. 

The first month of my freshman quarter was one of the hardest for me as I’m sure it is for a lot of new college students. I had a mental breakdown in the first month and fell into a deep depression fall quarter. In October 2018, I started hurting myself again but first called a friend asking them to come to my room because I needed help. That night I found it to be incredibly scary as I didn’t see myself stopping had it not been for that friend coming and knocking on my door. A couple of my friends and I treated the wound I had created, but eventually I had to go to the emergency room at 6am as I realized I couldn’t even stand to walk and my limp was getting worse. I was treated for not only the wound, but two infections I had developed as a result of scratching. I had been going to Hall Health every two days to get my wound wrapped up again and after about two weeks I was able to walk around without a bandaid on it.I remember the first day that I didn’t have my wrap a girl in my dorm noticed and I’m not sure if she realized what it was, but it was a very vulnerable and shameful feeling that washed over me as she stared at it. Over time as I’ve dealt with this more and more I have developed different coping mechanisms and things to distract myself when I do feel like I want to relapse including painting my nails, painting, reading, calling a friend, going on a walk, creating precautionary plans with friends or family etc. 

As of March 28, 2021 I have been clean for 149 days and approaching my 21st birthday. I know recovery is going to be lifelong and I have had times where I get extremely frustrated with it. I used to find myself asking why I even wanted to recover, who I was recovering for, or why bother when I knew it would be for the rest of my life and I had already slipped up a handful of times. I was reminding a friend recently that changing any attitude or behavior doesn’t mean you’ll never make a mistake or revert back to it. You’re allowed to make mistakes and if you recognize that then you’re already one more step ahead. You can’t continue to grow if you don’t make those mistakes.

Sometimes I’m at a loss for words when I talk about these experiences because I want to be transparent, while still keeping myself emotionally safe. I have always been open to discussing this topic since I was in middle school. I knew not a lot of people talked about it and it was and still is heavily stigmatized. The behaviors are obviously not ideal coping strategies, but they are more common than people think and I think there needs to not only be awareness but more transparency in how often this impacts someone. There are crisis lines specifically for self-harming that are confidential if you feel alone and people need to be made aware that there are other resources (Listed below). Similar to alcohol or drug addiction, self-harming can be very hard to quit as there is a release of certain neurotransmitters that cause a rewarding effect in the brain. There are times where I just feel so beaten down in my recovery and other times where I feel incredibly motivated. I have gone through phases of worrying how a future partner might react to the scars or the history I have with it. I’m worried people will judge me and look down on me, but at the same time that has and never will deter me from talking about it because I would rather try to be a comforting voice and inform others of an experience they may not be familiar with. There are some people who hurt themselves with no intention of ending their life, while some people may hurt themselves and deal with suicide ideation. The important thing to remember is that it varies for everyone, my experience will not be the same as others and sometimes all you can do to be there for the person is to listen to them. 

Helping someone who may be struggling:

  • Asses whether medical attention is needed or whether to call 911
  • Listen in a nonjudgmental manner even if it makes you uncomfortable
  • Give reassurance and help them find resources
  • Encourage appropriate professional help
  • Encourage self-help and other support methods
  • Don’t go on the offensive or try to make them promise to stop
  • Check-in with the person you’re worried about

Crisis Lines and Resources