May 28, 2021
Surviving Sexual Violence and Mental Health
Trigger Warning: Sexual Violence, Suicide
April marks Sexual Violence Awareness Month
April 28th is Denim Day
May marks Mental Health Awareness Month
When I originally thought about reporting what happened to me to my University, I knew that it was not going to be easy, but I definitely underestimated just how hard it would be. Originally, I was afraid to speak up because it is hard to know what else is “worth” reporting when you only see the most extreme cases in the media. In my case, I had clothes on, presumed to be asleep (but wasn’t), and I was not physically harmed, but it wasn’t consensual, and it wasn’t something I wanted which was communicated prior. My mental and emotional health had never gotten to such a low point. I felt and still feel very ashamed for what had happened to me, I was embarrassed to tell anyone especially my dad, I felt guilty, a burden to those around me, I blamed myself (which I had never done prior to the investigation) and would cry to myself saying I deserved it and thinking other people blamed me too, I was lonely, scared, I had never felt that ugly inside or out ever, I was disturbed remembering what happened and events that followed. Gradually the defense tried using my mental health against me. They would say that I always had and always would have problems regardless of the situation and that I was emotionally unstable. In January, I had a mental breakdown and a psychotic break where I was looking into in-patient care facilities because I was in so much pain. My dad had to watch me for a few days straight to make sure I didn’t put myself in danger and I gave him anything I could harm myself with. There were times I wanted to relapse or take my life not because I didn’t want to live, but because I didn’t want to continue living with the symptoms I was experiencing. I developed complex PTSD as a result, another thing that you see a list of symptoms and go “wow that sucks”, but I didn’t realize how debilitating it was until I would go weeks reliving what happened. I would have visual and somatic hallucinations where I physically would feel it happen again. When I was having extreme difficulties with the case and considered ending it early to protect myself, despite having my statement, the perpetrators statement, and my evidence they refused to make a report. I also wasn’t notified he provided evidence, but he was able to access my evidence (without my awareness) and comment on it as part of his testimony. I utilized chat lines, crisis numbers, my therapist, psychiatrist, and other resources. He was ultimately found responsible for both assault and harassment. I’m doing better and continue to process everything that happened, but I also feel lighter and happier with myself and more confident in knowing people care and support me.
A big part of why I share this is not to deter anyone else from reporting, but rather to share and be honest in what I went through regarding my mental health and how it shifted through the whole experience. That is not to say everyone goes on to develop a disorder, but that it is also a very real experience. Talking in detail about these cases aren’t easy and that’s why they usually are not. discussed A lot of this was already pre-written when I wanted to communicate to my family and closest friends what was going on. I think what administration, law makers, investigators, and faculty don’t always understand is that I was expected to be a student at the same time. No one knew I was going through this unless I disclosed it. I don’t recall ever being asked about any accommodations needed for the investigation at any point and clearly when I needed help they didn’t, other than telling me if I stopped the case then nothing would happen. I survived an experience that I wouldn’t wish on anyone including institutional betrayal before, during, or after the investigation.
Grace Henneford