ADVICE FROM PARENTS


Experts have lots of advice to offer about talking to your teens about sex, but parents who have had the experience themselves have a lot say about this subject too!

One of the most important pieces of advice that parents offer is that there is no one special time for “the talk” about sex. It needs to be part of an ongoing conversation you continue to have with your child for all their 18 years.

You’ve no doubt heard the advice about making yourself an “ask-able parent,” but just how do you go about doing that? The following list is based on the top 10 tips parents of Washington teens (*see footnote) have offered:

1. Listen! It’s SO important. Try to hear what your teen is telling you.
   “Talking time doesn’t happen only when you’re ready! I’ve had to learn to make the time to try to listen to what my son is telling me when he’s ready to talk.”
   
   
2. Show that you’re really trying to hear what they’re saying.
   “Don’t fake it! Your kid knows when you’re not listening and that’s a real turn-off for most kids.”
   
   
3. Give them a chance to talk.
   “Sure, you have lots of things that you could say right now, but first give them a chance. I can honestly say that some very tough situations ended up turning out a lot better because I worked hard to hold back giving all my good advice and just let her talk first!”
   
   
4. Ask questions to keep the conversation going.
   “I have learned so much by just asking questions; sure, I have all the answers I know I would like to hear, but this isn’t necessarily going to help me talk to my son. I need to hear what he thinks is going on first.”
   
   
5. Be curious.
   “My kids are pretty used to my being curious about things they’re doing….who their friends are, what they’re up at school; what they’re doing for fun. I like to check- in pretty often just to find out what’s been happening. The small day to day things keep me involved in their lives so when a big thing comes along, I feel they know that Mom is someone who ‘s really interested and someone they can come to.”
   
   
6. Encourage them to express how they're feeling.
   “Sure, my daughter can tell me the details of what’s happened, but until she also tells me how she’s feeling about it, I’m missing an important part of the story.”
   
   
7. Be ready to hear opinions you may not agree with.
   “If you give them a chance to tell you what they’re thinking, you’d better be prepared to hear some things that you don’t agree with! You sometimes really have to brace yourself to listen to some things you really don’t want to hear.”
   
   
8. Try to validate where you can as you listen to what your child is trying to tell you. Remember there will be chances to tell whether you agree later.
   “When we’re headed into hard territory, I usually say, ‘okay, I hear what you’re telling me’ or something like that to show I’m actually trying to listen and understand what he’s trying to tell me. One thing’s for sure; it does make it a lot easier for us to have a discussion rather than a confrontation and for me to offer another point of view after he’s had his say.”
   
   
9. Ask questions about their ideas for solutions…don’t give answers.
   “I’m full of ideas about how to solve a problem. But that doesn’t’ mean my kids would be eager to use anything I suggest. I was feeling really frustrated until one day I decided to turn the problem back to them. Asking for their own ideas proved one of the best things I’ve ever done. We got the chance to talk about how the different possible solutions might actually play out, their pluses and minuses! You could say that this turned out to be a great way to create some teachable moments with my kids.”
   
   
10. Lastly, offer your opinion.
    “When we’re headed into hard territory, I usually say, ‘okay, I hear what you’re telling me’ or something like that to show I’m actually trying to listen and understand what he’s trying to tell me. One thing’s for sure; it does make it a lot easier for us to have a discussion rather than a confrontation and for me to offer another point of view after he’s had his say.”
    
    

*These top 10 tips were taken from the TV series called Parent Alert: Talk to Your Teens about Sex. The series featured a group of parents of teens and examined their viewpoints and their advice to other parents. The series was funded by the Washington State Health Department was produced by Teen Futures Media Network.

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